I am not good at change. I like it, in theory. I try to make my peace with it, because it is inevitable. But every time change comes upon me, I hibernate. I hide from it, literally and figuratively. I find a warm, dark-ish place and then sleep as much as I can for the next two weeks. I talk to friends and make plans, and then let them fall through. I get up in the mornings with lists upon lists of what I want to accomplish during the day: clean kitchen, organize all the random crap that I swear I cannot live without, fill out the name-changing paperwork for the Social Security lovelies, do laundry, etc., and then don’t shower until half an hour before Nick comes home and maybe do two things off that list and then want to sleep some more.  And after that, feel incredibly guilty that I am not more adjusted or better at becoming adjusted.

I wish I could say that I am better now, three weeks after my wedding and two weeks into my new home with husband/best friend/cool dude/geek of the universe, but I am not. He and I went by my mother’s house to pick up a few more sundries that I had yet to shuffle over to our new place, and I almost had a emotional breakdown just walking in the door. My hands were shaking and I couldn’t seem to focus on what I was doing, and I got close to tears when I made eye contact with him, and then my sisters burst through the door like a hurricane. Well, Little Sister did so. Big Sister wanted to talk with me, but Little Sister was so excited that we had experiences in common, i.e. wedding nights and sex and wedding nights, that she just shrieked about it all for a bit and then simmered down enough to check facts.

LS: Did it hurt?

LGK: Did what hurt?

LS: Sex. The first time.

LGK: (blank pause) yeah. He’s larger than a tampon.

LS: ha ha, don’t tell me what size he is! Ha ha, it hurt me, too. Ha ha, it’ll get good soon. Did it get good? (to husband in doorway of my old room) Get out! You can’t hear this!

H: ? She’ll tell me about it when we drive away.

LGK: It did get good. . .can we talk about something else now?

I wonder if anyone else in the entire world has had awkwardness on par with that? Did I mention that was the first time I had seen either sister since my wedding, two weeks earlier? Did I mention that Little Sister is 21 and is getting divorced? I am not mad at her for divorcing. I kinda expected it, to be horrible and honest. I mean, I hoped they would change and grow and work through stuff and . . .try to . . . okay I’m not sure what went wrong in their marriage beyond they were too young to begin with.

Oh I hope she doesn’t read this and get angry.

All that to say, I’m not great with change but I am great with cooking and unhappy eating and then guilting over said eating and then obsessing that husband will not love me anymore because I can notice that my tummy has pudged the tiniest bit. I like to think that I get better at this change thing as I age and, you know, things change, but so far I’m still pretty lousy at it.

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