I remember the evolution of daydreams throughout my life.  When I was a child, 8ish, I thought that 16 was old and 18 was incredible and 20 was when The Decline began.  I remember daydreaming about “my boyfriend” that I would surely have by 16, because why not?  It is the thing to do.  That same boyfriend (my high school sweetheart, if you must know) was no more than 2 years older than me and would propose once I had graduated high school and we’d be married before I was 20.  I’d pop out all my kids before I turned 25 and lost my will to live, and then . . . everything gets hazy after that because imagining 25 was really pushing it.

In high school, when I realized my school was so small that the thought of dating anyone in it felt vaguely like incest, I had to modify my daydreams.  Obviously, “my boyfriend” was not my high school sweetheart.  He was my college sweetheart.  We had wonderful times in college together, and then he proposed by the time I was 20 and we were married by 21.  College graduation was not important in the face of Marriage!  Shortly thereafter I’d start popping out those kids, because in my epic righteousness and Trusting Of The Lord, I would not be using birth control of any kind.  And then it gets fuzzy again, right around 25.

Then I graduated high school and did not go to college.  Oh noes!  Whatever will I doooo?  My daydreams had to modify once more.  I would meet a nice boy at church!  We would date for not very long, be engaged for not very long, get married and start popping out those kids!  Perfect.  Unfortunately, I became a nanny for 6 months after high school.  Suddenly, I saw the reality of a newborn and a two year-old and it made my brain melt.  I decided that maybe, just maybe, that nice church boy would be willing to wait for a while to, you know, meet.  I thought it would be okay to be having the kids in my thirties.  Maybe.  I thought I might want to do things, travel, put together the colorful life that so far existed only in my mind.  I was going to a couple of different churches (not for the boys, I swear) and man, I was fine just meeting new people.  I liked that whole,”being social” thing.  It was fun!

Then, oh then, there was Nikolai.  I had known him from one of the churches years previous, and had seen him around at a bible study from time to time.  I had even had a crush on him.  He was amazingly inaccessible, so how could I not pine for him?  The crush waned and I was able to not blush in his presence, and then he was just another dude.  Until he asked me out.  Well, he asked me to hang out. I thought it was casual and friendly, he decided it was more purposeful, either way there was a third person attending that had no idea he was on a date.  With the advent of dating Nick (I had no idea we were an item for a good couple o’ weeks) my daydreams changed again.  I imagined having a colorful life with him.  There was traveling to undisclosed places (I’ve never been there, how can I imagine what it looks like?), adventures of many kinds, and lots of smiling.  The whole marriage thing was only whispered, even in my mind.  I didn’t want to presume and scare him off.  I hadn’t had much experience with males, but I’d heard they were skittish.  My dreams went from a fluffy cloud wedding and babies right away to an evening mist wedding and babies in 3 years to an afternoon highly stressful wedding and babies in five years.  Finally, reality came along.

Our evening wedding, Southern style, was small and just right.  Our birth control lasts for ten years, so we’ll look at babies then.  Our life is very real, there aren’t clouds and misty fuzz.  The color we have is from small walks together or trying a new restaurant or bar.  We haven’t done much traveling yet, except for Disneyworld for our honeymoon, but we’ve only been married for three months.  I think it’ll come with time.

I guess what I was going for with this one was to express how my dreams changed and realized and solidified.   I wanted to express the disillusionment I felt when my fluffy cloud dreams didn’t materialize the second we married.  I love my life, my husband.  I just had a lot of adjusting to do to accept this life and to not try to create my daydreams that were so absurd and impossible.

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