Suddenly upon a time, yesterday or the day before, I remembered a dress I had tried on and hearted, but then never went back because I thought it didn’t go with my theme. And now I’m mentally tortured, thinking I picked the wrong dress and I would’ve been happier with that other dress and now there’s no chance of making it right and I have to live with the torment of having made a wrong decision and knowing it, forever.  Today I even went to the designer’s website to look at it and sigh.  I probably would have saved a decent amount of money, too.  Gah!

I do this pretty often.  Not have crises about my wedding, but remember something in my past and obsess over it and imagine all the ways it could have been different.  Then I choose the best option, and flog myself for not making that decision at the time, saying that sentence, shutting up for that sentence, ducking just then, smiling, turning around, walking away.  I wish so hard that I could go back and make those changes.  So many people, when forced to listen to a recap of my obsession, tell me that it was all supposed to happen just that way and I wouldn’t be who I am without those flubs.  I don’t believe that.  All of the things I fixate on aren’t life-changers.  they’re just stupid or rude or annoying things I did that I now regret.  They were unnecessary and I would live lighter without them.  I don’t even want to erase my memories, I just want to fix the problems.

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