April 2011


I want to write more often, but I feel like things in my life that have been occurring are either too personal for the WHOLE INTERNET, or just not interesting.
For example, by Not Eating Starchy Carbs daily, I have lost weight. It is possibly around ten pounds. Given that I was judging my original, scare-some-sense-into-me-and-make-me-sad weight based off of a very confused scale (it gives three different numbers when used thrice in succession without turning it off in between), I don’t know how much I have lost. However, I am a smaller-ish size than I was before. Nikolai and I can both see less of my tummy, and my jeans are fitting slightly better, as are some skirts I bought when I first shaped up.

I am still taking that crazy class that chews me up and spits me out each week, and often it’s the only exercise I get in a week. Because I am awesome, and behold my willpower and fortitude, yea verily. I have seen results in that arena, as well. I’ve taken it for about 4 weeks, maybe 5. I no longer feel like vomiting or fainting. I take many less breathers, and I do not require a full week to recover. My legs are stronger, the muscles more defined (in the proper lighting), and I can see 2 of my abs. It’s a mid-week six-pack! There are only a few missing! Get it? Like a six pack of beer that you buy on Monday and then you drink some of them and by the middle of the week there are only two left? You know what, never mind. Yesterday, I stopped wimping out and held a plank with the rest of the class for almost a minute, which is roughly 40 seconds longer than ever before.

We have made a couple late evening foraging runs to Fred Meyer, these past few weeks, an emerged with very cheap and delicious rotisserie chicken. The second chicken inspired Nikolai to create soup, so I threw a pointer or two his direction and then went and did something else. He cooked down the carcass with water (duh) a whole onion, some celery bits, and assorted spices that appealed to him (not cinnamon). Then he fished out the bones, added cooked noodles, and more celery, and bob’s your uncle we have soup! It is very yummy and he is proud of his accomplishment, as am I. Also, we have much-o soup-o. Please to come eat.

I have begun taking a multivitamin every morning, because that is what grownups do and I am pretending to be a grownup.  I think it’s good for me, but the mornings that I forget to eat first, I take it on an empty stomach.
Pop quiz:  What are the effects of iron and zinc on an empty stomach?
NAUSEA HOT DAMN
I do not like being grown up, I have decided.  Unless I suddenly become much more healthy feeling and my hair becomes as shining as the sun and my nails like steel, I may just glare and pout at my pills.  While I take one, every morning, like a grownup.  But I won’t like it and you can’t make me.

I’ve tried to keep mostly quiet on the subject, because those who know me already know I love proper spelling and grammar and punctuation in speech and written language more than potatoes.  And because I will just end up ranting over someone’s feelings.   However, I cannot keep silent anymore on one subject, and that is the useless, pointless, senseless application of apostrophes.  It’s all over Facebook, and it’s driving me batty.  It’s as if no one remembers third grade, or even second grade, for that matter.  I clearly remember learning they’re, there, and their in second grade.  Also, we learned your, you’re, and yore.  However, the vast majority finds the words that sound alike to be substitutable in written form.

Pluralization or present tense are all given apostrophes.  Instead of “time flies by”, it becomes “time fly’s by”.  The only reason I am not putting corrective posts on Facebook is because it goes right next to my name, and it would be absurdly often, as well as rather cruel.  Here at least it gives me a tiny bit of a pseudonym, so I don’t have to worry about every member of my family, Nikolai’s family, and our collective friends reading and being offended by my pedantic need to correct grammar.

None of this is making sense, since it’s taken me three days to even finish this thing.  My point still stands, though.  Apostrophes are for contractions.  They are not for indicating tense, they prove possessives, and JUST STOP USING THEM WRONG OH NO IT’S IN MY HEAD THEY JUST KEEP HAPPENING AAAAAAHHHHHH

My keyboard at work is a hand-me-down.  Of course it is, because purchasing a brand new keyboard for each employee is a bit of nonsense.  However, previous users of this keyboard have accumulated a vast number of pulled staples, crumbs, hair, coffee, and some form of sticky substance that doesn’t seem to want to leave.  I’ve used canned air to clean it out, trying to get the dang crumbs and particles of paper to leave.  Staples jam themselves sideways under useful keys, like the letter S, and caps lock.  I have to jury-rig a paper clip to try to maneuver the dang things out, but most of the time (like two days ago) I don’t succeed at getting the staples.  I just hook out a bundle of hairs, papers, and assorted food crumbs.  In between the keys are messy, too.
Since I’m supposed to work at work, I can’t spent an hour using cotton swabbies with rubbing alcohol or whatever to clean off my seriously kind of nasty keyboard.  Instead, I obsessively spray it out with canned air and turn it upside down and shake it.  That is what helps the staples to lodge under the keys, and then I have to fish them out, and I guess all I really have to say is that my keyboard is nasty and I’m stuck in a recursive cycle of unclean.
I decided to start writing a story a few weeks ago, and I think that decision coincided with my reticence to post here.  I feel like I’m back in school, feeling bad about doing anything similar to the homework assignment I’m ignoring.  However there is not a deadline, no due date.  I don’t even have a teacher whose eye contact I avoid in shame and sheepishness.  I do have AuthorAmy, for realsies it’s her name!  She cranks out books like  breathing.  I’m sure it’s difficult at times, but plots and characters and conflicts and crises seem to flow from her mind to her fingertips that tirelessly clack-clack-ticker-tap at the keys.  She sent me a link, written by another author that she had befriended on this great big internet.  The short essay was about well-meaning friends of authors who offer up their own ideas.  Of course, I had offered to offer an idea not two weeks previous.  Amy herself mentions the essay here. I felt rather silly, as the Other Author spoke out, saying in effect, “I already have ideas.  You are trying to take responsibility for telling the story that batters your mind and put it on me.  I will not take it; I have my own battered mind to attend.”
I was a bit stung, and then very self-conscious that this exasperation was a feeling I had probably triggered in a friend.  I don’t like making friends feel like that.  I told AuthorAmy as much.  She lol’d at me.  We talk online, as she lives about 3 states away, maybe four.  I don’t know if she smiled at me.  I’ve only ever seen still frames of her face.  But then she told me to write.  I created excuses, fantastic excuses.  My wrists hurt from too much typing, you see.  I have warning signs of Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, Thoracic Outlet Syndrome.  I don’t know what to name my characters.  I’m too thin-skinned, and criticism will break me.  I have to work, work out, make dinner, spend time with my husband, sleep.  I couldn’t possibly write a story.
I didn’t tell her, but I started writing.  I had a title suddenly, it just made sense.  It worked.  I had a paragraph.  Then I had another!  Oh my cow, I’m doing it!  I’M TOTALLY DOING IT THIS IS AMAZING oh no I lost it.  I still don’t have names!  Am I giving too many details?  Is that even a funny anecdote, should I include it?  Where do I go from here?  How do I get to the good part?
AuthorAmy tells me to just write, that I can edit later.  Clearly, she doesn’t know much about the writing process.  Gosh, AMY!

The above quote is from Harry Potter.  Ginger Ninja recently finished reading the series for the first time, and she just loved them.  That was rather handy, as I love them, too!  she loved them so much she started getting the movies, so she could watch them all.  she invited me over to watch the first one, and she showed me the wizard’s robe she had made for herself.  She even made up the pattern, kittens.  Girl’s got mad skillz.  Anyway, we heartily enjoyed the movie and watched #3 last weekend.  I tried not to die of burning envy because of her completely awesome robe.  I’m pretty sure I need one.  Also, I think we need to make wands.  All proper students of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry have wands and robes and house colors and badges and scarves and. . . I think I’m carried away but more importantly, I don’t mind.

It’s fun to be enchanted by magic.
We plan to watch all 7 or 8 or jillion movies.

No really, I gave up starchy carbs.  I did it a week ago, and it’s not as bad as I thought it would be.  See, I love breads, cereals, rice, noodles, and root vegetables (POTATOES).  I love them more than any other food.  However, they do not love me back in a healthy way.  They love me back by providing me with 30 pounds of extra body that I had carefully removed over the course of a year and a half.  Apparently, when you exercise for thirty minutes everyday and then suddenly stop, your body will change back to what it was pre-regular exercise.  It’s the darnedest thing!  Anyway, after deducing that horrible fact at a friend’s house last weekend – she was in the bathroom and weighed herself and then she and her husband wanted to know how much Nick weighed because it’s a known fact he’s astonishingly weighted (he wins the lowest weight challenge every time) then her husband weighed himself to compare with Nick, then I didn’t want to be left out – I declared war.  I stopped cold turkey.  It is not as fun as normal life because I don’t get to munch my way through boredom, and I can’t just whip up a batch of pie crust to bake with cinnamon sugar on top.  However I feel more alert, and lighter inside because dense flour isn’t bringing me down anymore.

I am running out of creativity though.  My cooking genius involves using flours and noodles and potatoes, breads and crumbled cereal, and rice.  For breakfast this last week I’ve had a spinach omelet with cheddar, give or take mushrooms or tomatoes, at least five times.  I’ve had a fruit protein smoothie twice.  Lunch has been a can of tuna over lettuce, tomato, and pickle.  It’s a sammich without the bread, you see.  Dinner has been. . .whatever fit my requirements and my mouth.  does anyone have new ideas?  There are some good recipes out there, but they all call for onions or bell peppers, and I do not enjoy them.  Bells make me nauseated.  I also detest cucumbers.  Halp!